I realised something about myself today; I cry, a lot. I realised I cry whenever I have any overwhelming emotion. I realised this today because I was taking a quiz and got stuck on one particular problem. I then proceeded to spend around 2 hours working on the problem, doing the same equations over and over again until it made sense, it never did. I was so frustrated I just started crying. This elicited the usual response from my teacher, reach for a tissue box and sit there until i've calmed down enough to talk. This made me reflect on all the times I've cried in the past year and the emotions behind them. I found the usuals: sadness, pain, anxiety. But I also found odd ones, such as joy, awe, even love. Yet all of these emotions were returned by the old tissue and sit, maybe hug. Crying is perfectly human, I know I feel much better after I've just let myself cry. Why in our society is crying so taboo? Just let me cry in peace goddamnit. Instead of wiping my tears with a flimsy piece of paper, I'd rather just let them fall down my cheeks. Crying is my natural response to emotion, and may it remain natural for the rest of my life.

I feel like I constantly live in the shadow of others. Whether it be my brother or my best friend I always end up hiding behind someone. While I’m complaining now I think I feel more grateful than anything. Without them I’m not sure what I would do. I live in fear of others. While I pretend not to care, I do. I can’t make the first move, I can’t branch out, I can’t talk in front of others, I can’t do what you do!

Why is it surprising to find out I’m an introvert? Just because when I’m around you I feel alive. Do you feel the same around me? God why am I so insecure? Why can’t I say what I want and mean it too? I’m here and I’m trying to share without shaking at least once. Can’t you just give me one time? I want to talk but it seems so hard. Thoughts fly in and out of my head like an airport. Am I content living in others’ shadows? 

No. That’s why I’m writing this now. I’m not content watching my brother win twice the awards as I do. I’m not content watching my best friend leave me for some new group every night with out fail. But what can I do about it, right?

It doesn't feel right. 

Why am I constantly so jealous

I am not entitled to anyone but myself 

Yet my mind likes to trick me into thinking so

Nothing is great about me

As my track record proves

Yeah I can be funny but what else

Boys want a pretty skinny girl who’s shorter than them 

Someone who can’t beat them up 

Someone who agrees with what they say

Well that’s not me

But oh how i wish it was

5 foot 6 inches is unachievable

So is a weight under 150

My muscles won't disappear overnight

I hold my opinions tight

I refuse to change because I love me

But it’s hard to say so when it seems no one else does

I think I'll be forever alone

A virgin mary just like my namesake

This problem is so shallow and superficial

But it haunts me none-the-less

God why doesn't he want me

Why won’t he consider me

Why won’t he love me.